The Unmuted Truth #9: Forgiveness is Not What You Think
- Nina Stanyer
- Jul 15
- 8 min read
Updated: Jul 29
For Everyone Who Was Taught To Whisper
By Nina, Transformational Mindset Coach
If you missed the beginning of this series, you can read The Unmuted Truth #1 here
The Illusion We Were Sold
There’s a quiet ache that lingers beneath many of our stories—the ache of believing we were loved when, in truth, we were only tolerated, controlled, or used.
We’re often taught that forgiveness is about making peace with the person who hurt us. That it’s about letting go of resentment so we can move forward. That if we forgive, we must also reconcile.
But what if that’s not true?
What if the real work of forgiveness isn’t about them at all?
What if it’s about mourning the version of love we were sold—the one that promised safety, loyalty, care, or affection… and never delivered?
Because here’s the truth I’ve come to know, both in my own life and in the lives of so many I’ve walked beside:
Forgiveness is not about reconciling with the version of love you were sold.
It’s about mourning what was never real and releasing your attachment to be fed by it.
That version of love—the one that told you abuse was devotion, silence was safety, or that you had to earn your worth—was never real love.
But letting go of it? That’s no easy task.
There’s grief in that space. Deep, tender grief.
Grief for the childhood you didn’t get.
Grief for the partner who never saw the real you.
Grief for the parent who withheld their warmth.
Grief for the apology that never came.
And in that grief lies the quiet beginning of forgiveness—not the fluffy, performative kind. The soul-deep, liberating kind.
It begins when we say:
“I see now. That wasn’t love. But I don’t need it to become love in order to move forward.”
It begins when we stop chasing closure from people who were never capable of giving it.
And most of all, it begins when we stop waiting for the illusion to finally feed us—and we begin to feed ourselves.
The Reconciliation Myth
“I knew I’d truly forgiven them,” a client once said to me, “because we became friends again. Things felt okay between us.”
She spoke with calm certainty, and for her, that was her truth.
But then her voice dropped as she added,
“So how do I forgive myself—when there’s no one to ‘make up with’? No evidence? No proof?”
That moment has stayed with me. Because it speaks to something we aren’t often taught:
We’re conditioned to believe that forgiveness equals reconciliation.
That forgiveness looks like a heartfelt conversation, a hug, a restored friendship, a happily-ever-after.
That if we’ve truly forgiven, we’ll be able to hold hands and walk off into the sunset with our healed relationship.
But real life rarely plays out that way.
Sometimes forgiveness doesn’t lead to a reunion.
Sometimes it leads to a boundary.
Or silence.
Or distance that protects your peace.
The truth is, reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing.
You can forgive and still choose never to speak again.
You can forgive and block the number.
You can forgive and honour the part of you that says, “No more.”
And when it comes to self-forgiveness? There is no external signal, no reunion with a version of you who comes bearing flowers and closure.
Forgiving yourself is invisible work.
It’s internal. Quiet. Often lonely.
There’s no applause. No one claps when you stop punishing yourself at 2am.
No one throws a parade when you whisper, “I did the best I could with what I knew.”
And that’s what makes it so hard—and so sacred.
Self-forgiveness doesn’t come with proof.
It comes with a slow softening inside.
It comes when the voice of shame begins to lose its grip.
When you can look at your past self not with disgust, but with compassion.
Forgiveness is not measured by a returned phone call or a fixed relationship.
It’s measured by how free you feel when you finally put the weight down.
But What About Forgiving Myself?
If you've ever whispered, “I just don’t know how to forgive myself…”—you are not alone.
This is where so many get stuck.
Not in forgiving others.
Not even in letting go of pain.
But in turning inward—with tenderness—toward the part of themselves that made a mistake, ignored a red flag, stayed too long, lashed out, shut down, or simply didn’t know better.
One of my clients asked,
“How do I forgive myself? How do I know I’ve done it right?”
It was such an honest question. And it broke my heart a little, because the truth is…There’s no clear proof.
No reconciliation scene. No grand moment. No neat ending.
Self-forgiveness isn’t loud.
It doesn’t announce itself.
It whispers.
And at first, you might not even recognise it.
It might look like:
Not replaying the moment again and again at 3am
Speaking to yourself with kindness instead of criticism
Making a new choice today, without dragging yesterday’s shame behind you
Feeling worthy of joy, even though you're still a work in progress
But here's what’s often hidden underneath the resistance to self-forgiveness:
The belief that we must continue to suffer in order to prove we care.
As if punishing ourselves is how we honour the pain we caused.
As if carrying the guilt is more noble than healing it.
As if redemption requires self-erasure.
But what if the opposite is true?
What if self-forgiveness is how we break the chain?
How we learn. Integrate. Rise.
How we finally stop handing our life over to the version of us who didn’t yet know better.
Self-forgiveness is not saying, “It didn’t matter.
”It’s saying, “It mattered. And I still choose to grow.”
You don’t have to wait for someone to give you permission.
You don’t have to wait until you feel “good enough.”
You can begin now.
Quietly. Gently.
With one softened breath.
Signs You Might Be Ready to Forgive Yourself
Self-forgiveness doesn’t come with flashing lights or fanfare.
It often begins in the smallest, softest shifts—the ones that are easy to miss if you’re still measuring your worth by how much you regret.
But here’s the truth:
You may already be walking toward self-forgiveness, without even realising it.
You might be ready to forgive yourself if:
🌱 You’re tired of punishing yourself, even though part of you still feels like you deserve it
🌱 You find yourself whispering “I was doing the best I could” and actually starting to believe it
🌱 You’ve stopped needing others to agree that you’re forgivable
🌱 You feel a flicker of compassion for the version of you who didn’t yet know how to choose better
🌱 You’ve noticed yourself being gentler with others—without needing to shrink or bend to please them
🌱 You want to be free more than you want to keep proving you’re sorry
🌱 You no longer believe that suffering is the only way to make things right
🌱 You’ve started caring for yourself again… even just a little
These are not signs of weakness.
They are signs of returning to yourself.
And here’s something we don’t talk about enough:
We forgive others again and again—sometimes endlessly—But when it comes to ourselves, we offer only one chance.
One moment. One breath.
And if it doesn’t feel like freedom right away, we assume we’ve failed…and we walk away from ourselves all over again.
But self-forgiveness was never meant to be a one-time declaration.
It’s a practice. A return. A daily act of compassion.
A quiet choice to stop rehearsing the pain and begin rewriting the story.
You don’t need to feel ready.
You just need to stop running from the part of you that’s asking to be seen.
Forgiveness is a Release, Not a Reunion
We often think of forgiveness as a doorway that leads back to someone else.
We imagine that if we truly forgive, we’ll want to rebuild the bridge. Reconnect. Rekindle. Return.
But sometimes… forgiveness means walking away.
Sometimes the most profound act of forgiveness is not reunion—it’s release.
You can forgive and still choose silence.
You can forgive and still protect your peace.
You can forgive and never look back.
Forgiveness is not about forcing yourself to love someone who hurt you.
It’s not about downplaying the damage or rewriting history.
It’s not about re-opening the door just to prove you’ve healed.
Forgiveness is an energetic shift.
It’s the moment you stop hoping the past will change.
It’s the release of the need to be understood by someone who never tried.
It’s the quiet decision to reclaim your power from the person, place, or version of yourself that once held it captive.
It might feel like:
Letting the memory pass without gripping you by the throat
No longer needing an apology to feel whole
Choosing peace, even when your pain is still valid
Saying, “I release you,” and finally meaning it
And here’s the tender part we often miss:
Sometimes the person you need to release…is the version of you who didn’t yet know better.
The one who stayed. The one who broke. The one who tried so hard to belong.
You don’t have to go back to that version to prove you’ve grown.
You can honour her.
You can hold her hand.
And then—you can let her rest.
Because forgiveness isn’t about circling back.
It’s about setting yourself free.
From My Heart To Yours
If you’ve made it this far, I want you to pause for a moment…and take a breath.
A real, full-bodied breath.
Because you’ve just walked through some truths that most people spend a lifetime avoiding.
Forgiveness isn’t easy.
Not the real kind.
Not the kind that asks you to grieve, release, and return to yourself without proof, applause, or permission.
It’s quiet work.
Brave work.
And if you’re on that path, even just a few steps in—I honour you.
🦋 You don’t need to reconcile with your past to be free.
🦋 You don’t need to return to pain to prove that you’ve healed.
🦋 You don’t need to wait for someone else to say you’re worthy of peace.
You are already worthy.
If you’re looking for a soft space to begin—or continue—your journey with forgiveness, I’ve created something to walk beside you:
💜 Ready to begin your own journey with forgiveness?
The Forgiveness Journal is a guided companion to help you release what no longer serves you and come home to yourself with compassion.
🌿 Thoughtful prompts.
🌿 Gentle reflections.
🌿 A soft place to land.
Wherever you are on this path, know this:
You can return to yourself.
You can soften.
You can begin again.
If you're on your own journey to find your voice, I invite you to stay connected:
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You can read more about my journey here
From my heart to yours,
Nina 💖💜🌹
Sometimes the greatest act of love is letting go…
and choosing yourself instead.
Thank you for this. I think that this is something that a lot of us battle with. And your words are so true. I am excited about the Forgiveness Journal. It looks beautiful. Thank you for your honesty and your strength. You help a lot of people. 🌹
Thank you Nina. This was indeed what I needed to hear today. I have only just discovered the concept and grace of self forgiveness. It has shifted by neurology and beginning to calm my nervous system. Holding the shame was familiar, recognising the grief and acknowledging I did the best I could and offering ongoing forgiveness is the new experience. Your words have articulated what I am just beginning to see. The Firgiveness Journal will be such a helpful support going forward.